High · school

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So break is nearly over and I'm very much ready for it to happen, but here is a recap of things I've been thinking feeling lately since my epic Heart of Darkness bad ass speech got zero response:

Firstly, lately when left to my own devices, I've felt like I'm not alive to the fullest, my ears feel empty my stomach hungers even if it is full and dare I say certain odd feeling of arousal as if I'm just a few degrees short of some amazing bodily sensation, some experience, auditory, tasty or something is just of my grasp taunting me with a hint of it there, some song I love but don't know, some amazing sandwich or some sexual venture that I am not partaking in, (weird yes given my current standpoint on sex.) And it's been bothering me as I waste the days away sleeping until 4 staying up until 4 watching online movies and shows playing online scrabble living in social recluse, it's a weird almost sensation or ghost of one would be more accurate.

In more pleasant news, during my time home I've seen good friends made new ones and reconnected with an old friend I haven't properly hung out with in years. He's 19 and engaged to a 25 year old due to a kid due in February I believe, he's an electrician apprentice with school not being his thing really living with his fiancee out in Beverly, and I'm happy for him, despite the marriage being largely from the baby they do seem happy together and his life is working out for him just in an uncommon way. Electricians make a lot of money so once he completes his schooling and apprenticeship he'll be well off. It's just weird thinking that here I am single and in school and my old best friend a few months younger than I is at a completely different point in life.

Continuing the pleasant news, I've finished 2 books while home and 10 Laws away from finishing 48 Laws of Power a book I've been reading on and off for about 2 years, an amazingly thorough book of soo much. Puts Machiavelli to shame on the topics. And I'm happier about how I look, not that I ever really hated my looks but gaining 10 pounds since June and finding some fun classy new clothes makes me feel good. I shaved got a hair cut and dressed nicely for plans that fell through recently and I looked in the mirror and I felt like a superhero. Nothing epic like flying or superstrength but the knowledge and courage that if I was put in a trying situation I feel like I could something and not freeze up, I've always wanted to face a threatening near death experience like a robber or something, because even if I failed, I'd either be dead which I'm okay with or know what my real character is, which I value more than anything, truth.

I'm going back to school on the 22nd and on the 24th my friend and I are going to get our palms read then she and I are dressing classy and going to a strip club because we've both always been curious as to what they are really like. I'm so thoroughly excited for this. This Wednesday, the newest issue of Spiderman is about Obama and a doppleganger including his signature fist bump. I fully intend on going and getting a copy. I got really good grades this past semester for me which makes my mum very happy and she had surgery Friday so shes been at home and adorable and I just love my mum and taking care of her. So while I've been going nearly insane/depressed being home has been really nice and relaxing, didnt get a job as I hoped to but whatever was too busy until it was too late. Yeah. That's it for now.

Last night I had a weird dream, I was in Paris, I had just seen a play and was in the metro station when I realized I had lost my wallet. I have no idea what to do so I try to get on a train but doesn't work out so I find a tunnel and start walking up it to the next station hoping to make my way (home?) wherever it is I am trying to go, these two guys coming from the direction Im heading stop me, I think I give them money and they show me the way to another station, they were kinda sketch. Anyways, I'm in another station and get up on the platform to try and board the next train, but the platform is on pillars and it's really thin and wobbly. I try to make my way past people but we have to like hold onto each other and rotate so we don't fall to the platform below, eventually I do fall, and it hurt only a bit and it turns out the platform was some guys art project and he was painting us or something and he gives me a copy of it, and people crowd around trying to help and I remember showing them the painting/drawing whatever and trying to find my ticket stub from the play and I think I had another art thing and I was trying to convince them like 'Hey, I like art and things...' I don't know why I was trying to do that it seemed important at the time.
Anyways, in Baltimore near school, there is "The Book Thing" Little hole in the wall of a place full of books. Only on weekends. All the books are free, and there is a limit of 150,000 books per person per day so it's ridic, I picked up some National Geographics and a New Yorker as well as an Ireland book an American Literature book that has Crucible and Scarlet Letter in it amongst countless other stories/poems I'm pumped also this book called Ladies Man which is a book from the 70s but it seems cool, his other book was about 'the dark side of the American dream' so this intrigued me, about a guy breaks up with his girlfriend and gets drunk every night sexing up the ladies lost and trying to find himself.
I want to start the propatriate movement, no offense to Hemingway, but people need to get back into America, and not be ignorantly proud of it or hate it because we suck, but like explore the little wilderness we have left and get into American cities and explore the gritty rawness of American life you can't find in Europe, I want to explore the west more, Colorado especially.

We are accustomed to look upon the shackled form of a conquered monster, but there- there you could look at a thing monstrous and free. It was unearthly, and the men were - No, they were not inhuman. Well, you know, that was the worst of it - this suspicion of their not being inhuman. It would come slowly to one. They howled, and leaped, and spun, and made horrid faces; but what thrilled you was just the thought of their humanity - like yours- the thought of your remote kinship with this wild and passionate uproar. Ugly. Yes it was ugly enough; but if you were man enough you would admit to yourself that there was in you just the faintest trace of a response to the terrible frankness of that noise, a dim suspicion of there being a meaning in it which you - you so remote from the night of the first ages - could comprehend. And why not? The mind of a man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future. What was there after all? Joy, Fear, Sorrow, Devotion, Valour, Rage - Who can tell? - but truth- truth stripped of its cloak of time. Let the fool gape and shudder - the man knows, and can look on without a wink. But must at least be a much of a man as these on the shore. He must meet that truth with his own true stuff - with his own inborn strength. Principles? Principles won't do. Acquisitions, clothes, pretty rags - rags that would fly off at the first good shake. No; you want a deliberate belief. An appeal to me in this fiendish row - is there? Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
-Heart of Darkness

Camp has been a lot of fun mostly. Things are getting on my nerves at times. I don't know. I feel old, detached, tired. I'm tired of this current environment but not. I had a crush on a coworker, I value the job too much to even bother not that I'd be stop being awkward enough to have won her fancy anyway so I told her about it. Things seem fine, her nan died and she's been upset. I don't know if I really want people reading this. I'm just tired all the time, and being on the rebound from sickness isn't all that helpful. Banquet this weekend, to drink or not to drink? It would be nice to drink it all off, not overly so, just to the point I'm not pissed and tired at life, mellow out. Yeah I know it sounds like an alcoholic but I'm treating myself since I've been drunk once and it involved throwing up in a toilet so I'll never do that again especially since I was still there mentally so there was no upside, my mind never laxes enough to let it completey free. We had an overnight trip taster the other night. A Park Ranger Indian told us this great story around a fire, it got me thinking about who/what I am. I think I am, despite my heavy sexual presence in my personality and humor, detached from my sexual self, and just a perpetual flirt, I don't like sex let alone relationships because of the commitment and being a shoddy boyfriend, and just at a disagreement with myself betwixt the sexual side and the thinker who is on another battlefront as well between optimism and realism. Thinking I will do better and doing shite about it to make it happen. Just Time I guess. Things all work out as they are supposed to while being entirely independent events from each other connected only by the time travelers toward the future going through it on their way to the future. I wish I was whole and not at war with myself. All the god damn time. I want to be in NYC/School. Better yet, home. Home is a wonderful place that I miss more and more with age. My rebellion of youth is not what it used to be. And I'm only friggin 19. Rawr.
P.s. listen to Cat Empire

Guess who finally got round to making his own Music Blog!
Check it out at: http://racistemupi.blogspot.com/
Help me get internet famous! Or just read it, take what I offer and give suggestions on how to improve.

Bitches ain't shit, bitches ain't shit
Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Lets get the fuck out after you're done
And I hops in my ride to make a quick run...
I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright
We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night
Tighter than a mutharfuckin' gangsta beats
And we was ballin' on the muthafuckin' Compton streets

Peep that shit, got deep and it was on
Number one song after number one song
Long as my muthafuckin' pockets was fat
I didn't give a fuck where the bitch was at
But she was hangin' with a white bitch doin' the shit she do
Suckin' on his dick just to get a buck or two
And the ends that she got meant nothin'
Now she's suing cuz the shit she be doin' ain't shit

Bitches can't hang with the streets
She found herself short
Now she's takin' me to court
That's some real conversation for your ass

I once had a bitch named Mandy May
Used to be up in them guts like everyday
The pussy was the bomb, had a nigga on sprung
I was in love like a muthafucka lickin' the protung
The homies used to tell me that she wasn't no good
But I'm the maniac in black, Mr. Snoop Eastwood
So I figure niggas wouldn't trip with mine
Guess what? Got gaffled by one time

I'm back in the muthafuckin' county jail
Six months on my chest, now it's time to bail
I get's released on a hot sunny day
My nigga D.O.C. and my homey Dr Dre
Scooped in a coupe, Snoop we got the news
Your girl was trickin' while you was draped in your county blues
I ain't been out a second
Now I already gotta do
Some muthafuckin chin checkin

Move up the block as we groove down the block
See my girl's house, Dre, pass the glock
Kick in the door, I look on the floor
It's my little cousin Daz and he's fuckin' my hoe
I uncocked my shit...
I'm heart-broke but I'm still locked
Man, fuck that bitch!
...3,...4,...

Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Gets the fuck out after you're done
And I hops in my ride to make a quick run...
I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright
We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night
Tighter than a mutharfuckin' gangsta beats
And we was ballin' on the muthafuckin' Compton streets

Peep that shit got deep and it was on
Number one song after number one song
Long as my muthafuckin' pockets was fat
I didn't give a fuck where the bitch was at
But she was hangin' with a white bitch doin' the shit she do
Suckin' on his dick just to get a buck or two
And the ends that she got meant nothin'
Now she's suing cuz the shit she be doin' ain't shit

Bitches can't hang with the streets
She found herself short
So now she's takin' me to court
That's some real conversation for your ass
Bitches can't hang with the streets
Bitches can't hang with the streets
Bitches can't hang with the streets
Bitches can't hang with the streets